Stan's Got a Boyfriend
by Sakazaki-Chan
Summary: *Stanman* DO NOT READ THIS. IT IS ABSOLUTELY AWFUL. Yeah, okay. One-shot awfulness


**DON'T READ THIS**

**If you're still reading...you rebel, you.**

**OMG THIS SUCKS EVEN MORE THAN THE LAST ONE-SHOT I PUT UP. PLEASE KILL ME. I'M SORRY I SUCK, GUYS. BUT THERE ISN'T ENOUGH StANMAN IN THE WORLD AND WE NEED LOTS. LOTS. HEHAHhAHAHAAHHAHAhahahahHAhaHAhahHAhahAHhaHAHhaHAHahH.**

**Okay.**

**Okay?**

**-Zaki-Chan**

**((Um, also, also, alsoalsoalsoalso! I wrote this is present-tense, and it sounds awful and 5th grade-ish when I do that, and that's not good for a high schooler, but what can I say? Anyway, I suck at life and writing and I hate Stan a lot but I ship Stanman so much. Not as much as (GaryxStan) and Cartyde, and not nearly as much as Kyman. Or Cutters. Or Creek. Or whatever the ship name is for Token x Clyde. Just because Token's black, that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to get slashed with everyone on Earth. Oh yeah, and Cartman x Token. I can see Cartman screeching "TOKEN, YOU BLACK ASSHOLE" And then Token beats him up harder than Chris Brown did Rihanna and then Cartman cries, and then they engage in angry sex. Okay, I'mma stop now.))**

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"Hey, Kyle?" Stan smiles and pulls on his best friend's ushanka-flap, effectively waking the ginger Jew from his deep sleep in gym.

"Wha-What?" Kyle rubs his eyes, a little confused as to where he is. "What's going on?"

"Dude, gym is over. Sorry, dude." Stan shrugs and walks to the locker, kicking his legs ever so joyfully in front of him.

Kenny's sitting next to Kyle, choosing to nap as well. Stan had roused him to unslumber only a few minutes prior to his best friend's. "Mmrph, mmph mmphmm mphm MM?(Dude, what's gotten into Stan?)" The hooded blonde says, stretching his body similar to that of a cat's.

"I dunno, Kenny. He does seem extra happy today." Kyle shrugs and stands up, making his way to the locker room not but 30 feet away. Kenny attempts to stand as well, but a dodge ball flies overhead and knocks him so hard he dies from brain damage.

"OHMYGOD, THEY KILLED KENNY!" Stan screeches from inside the locker, still putting on his Terrance and Phillip shirt.

"You bastards!" Kyle shakes his fist to the sky, his red brows furrowed in anger and frustration. After a few angry breaths, the Jew walks to the locker room, having forgotten that Kenny died already.

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"Lunch is extra special, isn't it?" Butters removes the top from his chocolate pudding cup, smiling at some old memory dealing with Cartman, himself, pudding, and a bath tub.

"Uhhh, yeah, Butters." Stan rolls his eyes and looks towards his best friend. "Okay, so I'm _kind of _happy today."

Kyle snorts. "Just kind of? Dude, you've been practically jumping out of your seat." The red-head smiles and focuses on his pizza.

"Well, I'm extremely happy."

"You get back with Wendy?"

Stan scrunches his nose. "Ew. No. But, I _did_ get with a certain someone."

Kyle looks impressed. "So you dumped Wendy for good?"

"Yuh-up!"

"Who exactly is this special lady?" Kyle waggles his brows.

"It's _not_ a girl..."

"Dude, you're gay?" Kyle's eyes are excusing. "Why haven't you told me?"

"Because I'm not gay!"

"What? You're bi or something?"

"No, I just like what I like. But I definitely like girls. But, he just...I dunno." His eyes are glazed over and he looks somewhat happy, actually.

"Okay. Okay. Who is it?"

"Uhh, you hate Cartman, right?"

"EW. NO, STAN. EW. NO. EW. EWNONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO! CARTMAN IS A FAT PILE OF SHIT. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DA-" Stan cuts him off with a swift punch to the nuts.

"We don't really wanna tell people. But, since you're my best friend, I thought I could tell you. Apparently not."

Kyle, through clenched teeth and teary eyes whispers "But...Cartman?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Think about this, Stan."

Stan taps his chin lightly. "Hmmm...Yeah."

Butters, wearing a very apparent look of shock, hears the the whole conversation, and runs out of the cafeteria, teary eyed. When the little blonde reaches his locker, an idea stirs in his brain. Leopold "Butters" Stotch may not be able to annhilate Stan Marsh, but Professor Chaos certainly could.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Stan, a usually very stoic young man, has told his best friend that he's in a relationship with his mortal enemy. It is now after school, and Kyle is out for blood.

"You fucking fat-ass." Kyle's at the brunette's front door, 100% pissed off.

"Hello to you too, Kahl. Come in? Stan's here." He grinned toothily.

"Fuck you, Cartman!" Kyle's entire face was red with anger.

"Hey, Kyle!" Stan chirps happily, walking up behind his slightly shorter, _slightly_ larger boyfriend and planting a giant kiss on his cheek.

Kyle could not hold back his vomit, and he pulled a Stan- puking in the fat-ass' face. He grabs Stan by his collar and drags him down to face-level. "Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?"

"I'm Stan? Your best friend?"

"No. Stan hates Cartman."

"It's Eric." Stan waggles his finger in Kyle's face.

"No, it's Cartman."

"Eric."

"Cartman."

"Kyle, if you don't approve, why don't you just leave?" Stan's harsh words take Kyle back.

"Stan..."

"Stan, he's not worth your time, babe."

Cartman shuts the door in Kyle's face, and turns to his boyfriend.

"Stan. It's okay."

"I know, Eric-"

"I don't like it when you call me Eric."

"Fine. Cartman. I just don't know why Kyle isn't happy for me."

"Because he's a nasty, dirty Jew."

"Cartman, chill out."

The fat-ass shrugs and leans in to kiss his boyfriend. Stan obliges and kisses those plump pink lips back, pushing his tongue into the larger's mouth. They tangle for a few minutes, but pull apart when they're out of breath (Don't wanna pass out, do you?).

"Hey, Stan?"

"Yeah?"

"Love you."

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**Holy hell, this was awful. 100% disappointed in myself. It's like 3 AM, so I should probably go to bed. Okay. The ending was bad, the opener was bad, the middle part was bad. All of it is.**


End file.
